last night i had a bit of a reality check. well, probably the opposite. i kind of remembered who i am, and that probably has nothing to do with reality.

i need to stop getting caught up with things that don't matter.

my friends, my kitten, my cafe. that's what matters. and everything else that isn't a massive stupid waste of time.

i seem to have lost my imaginanion somewhere over the last few months and i plan on getting it back.

starting today. well, last night.

anyway, check out my kitten:

( photos )

this will either wear off by next week, or drive me slowly insane. i recently met the hottest boy i think i have ever seen. i really don't think i've ever been so attracted to someone from just meeting them once and being around them for a couple of hours. shame he lives in scotland and no doubt has a girlfriend. his accent though... fuck yes. oh my god. i feel like i might explode.

i got my kitten today. he's called nekomata and is amazing and i love him.

i'm feeling a little worried about being in the same place as conor that isn't a gig. it's markus's leaving party soon so it'll no doubt be unavoidable. i'd like nothing more than for us to get along but he broke my heart in ways i didn't even think possible. and to rub it in even more, i really doubt he gives a shit if i'm there or not.

it's probably the mood i'm in right now. i haven't taken my medication in about 4 days and i think i'm doing ok for it (normally by now i'd probably just be in a heap on the floor) but i should probably do something about it anyway.

cafe is getting quieter. i knew this would happen when the students left. i'm sure we'll get through summer fine, it just means i'm having to work twice as hard organising events to get people in. we have a few nice gigs lined up, there's the craft day too, which will become a regular thing if it's successful, and we have a few other ideas in the pipeline.

i'm seeing someone who is really lovely and seems to like me a lot, and i get the whole 'looked after' thing from him, which is really what i need right now. i'm getting the usual "shit, do i actually want this" feeling, but then i've had that all but about twice ever. and i never know what i want.

my aunty betty died on thursday. it didn't sink in right away. i didn't used to speak to anyone as a child (seriously, my school thought there was something wrong with me because i refused to say anything to anyone there for a year) and i was so so SO shy that i never felt comfortable around anyone, but she was always amazing to me and i trusted her when i didn't trust anyone else. i last saw her at christmas and she was just the loveliest person ever, she'd do anything she could to make people smile. the world really is a little bit worse off now.

right now all i care about is the people that matter, and my cafe. i really can't even think of enough good things to say about pam at the minute. i've been really loving steph since she got back from america too. i wish all my friends were like these two.

and i can't wait to move house.

"you should post a myspace message out saying:
who's hearts have i broken? i want a list

i bet you get a lot of responses. you can add my name to it near the top."



what a twat.

there's no one in my life making me even a little bit excited right now. everyone's just... normal. the same. nothing new.

it's probably a good thing, as i need to concentrate on the cafe, and i know how easily distracted i am. it doesn't really take that much for me to drop everything for someone. it's a secret ambition of mine to dedicate myself mostly to making other people happy. i know it doesn't seem like it a lot of the time, but there are a select few i'd do it for. which is kind of why it's a good thing not to even have that opportunity right now.

but still, it'd be kind of nice.

i think hyde park is wearing kind of thin at the minute. it'll get better, i think it's because i'm sick of winter too. but everyone is so one dimensional here. i just want to meet people who have a bit more going for them. is that too much to ask?

what's the fucking point.

in the last 6 months i've been ill so many times with so many different things I'M GETTING A BIT BORED OF THIS NOW.

does anyone have animal crossing? i broke my internet trying to connect my ds to it and had to get conor round to fix it and now it works i want to visit some PLACES.

i'm bored of going out. i want to stay in with cups of tea and have nice chats and be cosy.

why do all my friends want to go out all the time. it's so boring.

i think i'm going to be sat inside by myself tonight. i wouldn't mind (i love being by myself) but the heating in my room is broken it seems, and i hate the living room.

where did my motivation go...

i got my bloody valentine tickets. i wasn't even sure i wanted to go but stephen bullied me into getting up early and getting some because he was at work and i have the day off. so i'm now £110 poorer but i have 4 tickets.

my new ghds arrived today. i'm feeling so materialistic right now. more than i ever have, seriously.

i love not being at work. i'm going to see pam's pug later.

everything is a bit weird right now, but it feels suprisingly normal.